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THE ICEMAN 



A Farce in One Act 



BY 



LAWRENCE DITTO YOUNG 




PHILADELPHIA 
THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

1909 



T^ 



o ! 



v^ 



Xfe-I 



Copyright 1909 by The Pbkn Puilishing Company 



^^if0^5"^ 



The Iceman 



LiBRAHY of CONGRESS 
Two Copies Received 

APR 17 \m 

— Copyriifnt Lntry 
(fuss JJ aAc. No, 
«JOPY 3- 



J 



The Iceman 



CHARACTERS 



George, ) , returning from college with a surprise* 

The Iceman, j played by same person, 

Lucile's Father. ' 

LuciLE, almost engaged to George, 

The Cook. 

Time in Representation : — One hour and a quarter. 



NOTICE TO PROFESSIONALS 

This play is published for amateur production only. Pro- 
fessionals are forbidden the use of it in any form or under 
any title without the consent of the author, who may be ad- 
dressed in care of the publishers. 



PROPERTIES 

Drop painted to represent the back of a house, with a 
back door and a window on each side of the door. A hole 
big enough to permit the passage of a man is cut in it 
where refrigerator stands against it. 

A refrigerator at least five feet high, by four wide and 
three deep. A lid at top, a door in front, and a door with 
spring hinges at back. A hole in bottom so voice may be 
heard from inside. A barrel three feet high and four wide 
with ashes in it. A skillet with a handle. A large spoon 
in skillet. A clothes-line and pair of trousers. A mop, a 
broom, a washboard, and a small carpet-sweeper. An en- 
gagement ring. One other ring. A cream pitcher. An 
imitation pineapple. A set of red-covered foot forms. A 
mess of broken crockery. A piece of ice, size of teacup. 
A rolUng-pin. 



COSTUMES 



George. Black college suit, trousers a little short, 
small brown felt hat, low shoes, red stockings, a false beard 
and moustache to look as ridiculous as possible, and a 
dickey collar with necktie attached. As The Iceman, he 
wears same trousers and stockings ; huge pair of rubber 
boots one or two sizes too large, so as to slip easily on and 
off; large black felt hat, and large blue flannel shirt; car- 
ries a pair of ice-tongs. 

Cook. Stout, Irish, wears a red wig, green dress, large 
shoes. 

LuciLE. Natural hair, white dress, small shoes. Lucile 
and Cook may easily be played by the same person if de- 
sired, by making a quick change of wig, dress, and shoes, 
and omitting the cook's lines at the end of the sketch. 

Lucile's Father. Black frock suit, portly figure, gray 
wig. This character may be omitted, and the sketch played 
by either two or three persons. 



The Iceman 



SCENE. — Af the rear of any hofue, opening from the kitchen 
to a back yard. The drop shows the back of a house with 
two kitchen windows and a practicable door ivhich opens 
on small back porch or platfor?n and a flight of four 
steps down to yard. Beside steps, at the right, is a large 
refrigerator with a lid at the top to put in ice, a?id a door 
in front. At the left of steps there is a low ash barrel. 
On upper step is a skillet to look as much as possible like 
a cup, and in it is a large spoon. A clothes-litie holding 
a pair of trousers extends across stage, one end of it at- 
tached to a hook over refrigerator a?id dangling down. 
A mop, a broom, a washboard, and a baby carpet-sweeper 
stand at the side of steps. 

{From iiiside kitchen door is heard a scream in Cook's 
voice: '■'•Soak him! Soak him good !^^ Then a shout 
in masculine tones : ** Confound your impudence ! Get 
out l^'' George comes sailing through the kitchen door 
as though he had been kicked, and a man' s foot appears 
behind him. He lands sitting on the stage, slides, fold- 
ing his arms as he goes, and co?nes to a standstill. He 
is dressed in a rakish college suit of black, with a little 
brown felt hat turned up in front. He has on a false 
beard and moustache which he now takes off. He is 
boyishly petulant. ) 

George. Mercy, how blusterous ! (^Turtiing his head 
back toward the door.) And what a lovely welcome I did get. 
You little know who you kick, you old ruffian. He kicks 
me out of the back door. He wouldn't even honor me by 
kicking me out of the front door. (^Gloomily.') I wrote 
and told them I'd be home from college to-day, and I dis- 
guised myself to give them a surprise. I got the surprise. 
{Meditating, and then with strong emphasis as he shakes 

5 



6 THE ICEMAN 

his head,) And worst of all, I dropped the ring in the 
cream pitcher. I absolutely must get hold of that cream 
pitcher. {Shaking his finger,) I shall never speak to 
Lucile again. She's false. 

{Enter Cook at back door. Before she sees him, George 
claps on his beard and moustache, and as she catches 
sight of him, he picks up broom on the defensive.') 

Cook {carrying tray containing cream pitcher, etc. 
Espying George, she starts back in fright, and remains 
close to the stoop for safety). Oh, you robber ! Oh, you 
thief ! How dare you hang around here ? Help ! Mas- 
ter, master ! Come quick. 

{At her call there is a stamping in kitchen of hurrying feet, 
«//^ Lucile' s father pops out on stoop. His face is red ; 
he is old and gray, but active. He is angry and puffs 
irately. ) 

Father. What's the trouble? 

Cook {pointing at G'EO'kg'e). Look there. 

Father {at sight of George gives indications of in- 
cipient apoplexy. He is so full of rage that he shakes, but 
cannot speak. He splutters, making a hissing noise). 
S-s-s-s-s-s. 

George {to Cook). He ought to have a muffler with 
that exhaust. 

Father {who has brought with hitn from the kitchen a 
rolling-pin, which he raises over his head, shaking it at 
George. Still he can make no sound except) S-s-s-s-s-s. 

George. Can't I get you some sarsaparilla? 

Father {finding his voice, and with a howl). Scoun- 
drel ! 

George. Me ? 

Father {disregarding question). I kicked you, sir. 

George {taith a rejniniscent look skyward). Yes, now 
you mention it, I seem to remember the incident. 

Father. I shall kick you again, sir, and then hand you 
over to the police, sir. {Descends fro7n stoop.) 

George {with deprecating raise of his hand). Now let 
me explain 

Father {in a towering fury as he advances and George 
retreats). Explain the insults you heaped upon my daugh- 



THE ICEMAN 7 

ter? Explain entering rny house, you burglar? You shall 
explain yourself to a magistrate. 

George. One moment. Only just one moment, and I 
can make everything plain. 

Father. You deserve hanging, sir. 

George. Paper hanging, or strap hanging? 

Father Qnaking ponderous pass at George wifh the 
rolling-pin, which he dodges narrowly). It's lucky for you 
I can control my temper or I would strike you. Get out 
of here ! 

(^He has been edging George toward exit afid now he makes 
a rush for him.') 

George (as he runs off ). All right for you, crosspatch ! 

Father (returriing to c. of stage afid speaking to Cook). 
There, if you see anything more of that burglar, call me and 
I will have him arrested. I must go to Lucile for she's very 
frightened. (As he goes i?i through kitchen door, he ?nutters 
to himself.) The wretch ! The puppy ! 

Cook. That man ought to be behind the bars ; he's 
bad. (She doesnU see George, who now peeks around the 
corner, and seeing nothing of Father, covies back onto 
stage and tiptoes up behind Cook. He is just in the act 
of reaching for the cream pitcher when she sees him.) 
Ouch ! (She Jumps.) 

George {following her with mincing steps, and inspect- 
ing contents of tray curiously). Is that a cream pitcher on 
your tray ? 

Cook (in terror). Don't come near me ! Don't come 
near me ! You got the evil eye. I'm afraid of you. 

George. You better be, for I eat little girls like you. 
If that's the cream pitcher (scowling), give it to me at once 
or I'll do some work on you. 

(Zr<f commences to make hypnotic passes at her with his 
hands, and little kicks, watching to see how they affect 
her. For a moment she looks at him in horror ; then 
becomes satisfied that she can't be hurt, afid descends 
from the stoop.) 

Cook. Pooh ! I don't believe you could hurt any one. 
I ain't afraid of you. 



8 THE ICEMAN 

{She picks up the hroonc which he has dropped^ andiwhile 
he is still passing at her, she taps him over the head 
with it.') 

George (desists and retreats^. You're a bum subject. 

Cook {accusingly and motioning back at the house). If 
I had been the master, I wouldn't have kicked you. 
(George gives a little Jump ; feeling of himself, and look- 
ing behind him. He does this each time the word ** kick^* 
is spoken.) I would have shot you. 

George (looking at the tray again). That is a cream 
pitcher, isn't it? Yes, of course it is. 

Cook. Yes, and you would have stolen it, if you hadn't 
been caught. I never see a man with eyes the color of 
yours that wasn't a crook. It's lucky for you that Mr. 
George, that's coming home to-day, wasn't around to see 
what you did, or he would have fixed you. You cruel, 
wicked man ! 

George {not noticing her). It's a silver cream pitcher, 
isn't it ? 

Cook. Never you mind what it is, and don't look at it 
like that or I'll call the master again. (Gets strenuous and 
shakes her fist at him.) You great hulking brute, to 
frighten that poor innocent girl so ! 

George {unconcerned). I should like to buy that cream 
pitcher. 

Cook. Buy it ! Yes, but you'd rather steal it. ( Curi- 
ously.) What do you want with it, anyway? 

George. Well, what do you do with cream when you 
get tired of it ? 

Cook. Oh, I make pancakes and such. 

George. Then I want to make a few pancakes. (Reach- 
ing into his pocket.) Here's five dollars 

Cook (coming close to him). If you were to offer me a 
thousand dollars for it, I wouldn't give it to you. 

George. Oh, I wouldn't offer you that much, you know. 
It isn't worth it. 

Cook. What isn't ? 

George. The ring. (Confusion.) I mean the pitcher. 

Cook (suspiciously). What ring? 

George (airily). Mere chaff of mine. (She commences 
to put articles in at top of refrigerator, a?id as she goes to 
put in cream pitcher, he comes forward and says .•) Let me 



THE ICEMAN 9 

put it in for you. {She frightens him away. He picks up 
skillet, goes through the motions of stirring it and tasting 
it, upon which he goes back to her afid says, extending the 
skillet toward her ;) I would like a little more cream in my 
coffee, please. 

Cook {angrily). You villain ! I'll bet you're a burglar. 
You tried to choke Miss Lucile. 

George. No, I didn't, but she deserves it. I say, you 
know I must have that cream pitcher. 

Cook. Well, you're not going to get it, and if you don't 
get out of this yard at once, I'll call the master, and he 
won't be so easy with you this time. 

George {giving a little jump and looking apprehensively 
around). Not so easy this time ! 

Cook. You might as well go, for there won't any one 
get into this refrigerator to-day, except the iceman, and I'm 
going to stay right here and watch for him. 

George. Oh, you let the iceman look in your refrigera- 
tor, do you ? 

Cook. Of course. 

George {brightening). Do you let him walk right up to 
the refrigerator, and open it, and put in the ice himself? 

Cook. Certainly, and he'll go for you when he hears 
how you've talked to me. He likes me, does Bill, and 
{quizzically) he's over six feet tall. (George looks nerv- 
ous. A click of ice-tongs is heard ifi wings, and the rattle 
of a wagon, while a strong voice commands, ** Whoa ! Do 
ye want any ice ? ") That's him, just next door. 

George. The iceman ! [Afi expansive smile spreads 
over his face, and taking a bill from his pocket, he looks 
7neani7igly from the direction of the noise to the refrigerator.) 
I guess I had better go before Bill comes. 

{Exit.) 

Cook {chuckling). I never see such goings-on. Miss 
Lucile and her father was at breakfast, when through the 
back door, and into the dining-room walks this tramp with 
the beard. {Motioning after George.) First thing he 
reaches across the table and takes Miss Lucile by the hand, 
and she is too surprised to do anything. Father, he says: 
{puffing) " How dare you, sir? " The tramp looks at Miss 
Lucile' s hand and says : '' False woman ! I shall never see 



10 THE ICEMAN 

you more." Then something happened I couldn't see, and 
the tramp made a grab at the cream pitcher. He reached 
into it and got his hand caught, and he commenced dancing 
around the table like a wild man, trying to get his hand out. 
{Laughing.') '*Are you crazy?" says Father. ** Don't 
speak lo me," says the tramp, and he starts to walk out with 
the cream pitcher still on his hand. Father roars at him : 
"Bring back that cream pitcher," but he don't stop, and 
Father, spry as a cricket, jumps out of his chair, snatches 
the cream pitcher off the tramp's hand, takes him by the 
collar, rushes him to the back door, and kicks him out. 
(^Kicking with glee.) ** Get out, you shrimp ! " 

George (as iceman, in wings atid at the top of his lungs). 
Ice! 

Cook {jumps and looks around). Goodness! {Then 
as George backs onto stage with a small piece of ice which 
he drags in ice-tongs as though it were a great burden, she 
says :) It's a new iceman. Are you the iceman? 

George {still trailing ice. He wears a huge pair of rub- 
ber boots, a big black felt hat, a handkerchief knotted around 
his throat, and a blue flannel shirt. He adopts a hoarse, 
gruff voice, dropping into his natural tone when excited). 
No. I'm High Speed Harry, the Motor Maniac. Scatter, 
Birdie; my clutch is slipping. {He backs into her.) 

Cook {getting out of the way). Where's Bill ? 

George. Bill's sick. 

Cook. What's the matter with him ? 

George {still leaning over ice, and turning his head 
toward her). He's got appendicitis. He ate a keg of wire 
nails and he didn't notice they were rusty. 

Cook. You're pretty fresh, ain't you? 

George. So fresh I'm always early. 

Cook {indicating ice). Be them twenty pound ? 

George {nodding emphatically). Twenty pounds, six 
ounces. Lift the lid before it shrinks. 

Cook. Say, who are you ? 

George. What's it to you ? 

Cqok. Well, you don't look like a real iceman. 

George. Of course not. I'm Jack Frost, the substitute. 

Cook. Oh {holding tip lid), be careful where you put it. 

George {puts in ice and looks warily over the contents 
of refrigerator. His head inside, he asks in muffled tones). 
Is that a cream pitcher ? 



THE ICEMAN II 

Cook {starting back and releasing lid, which comes down 
with a slant). Another man after that cream pitcher ! 

George {escapes falling lid by a hair, and then wobbles 
his head ifi fright. He screams in /lis natural voice). Do 
you want to mash me ? 

Cook {apologetically). You scared me about that cream 
pitcher. When the master kicked out the tramp 

George {tvith grim interest). He kicked him out, did 
he? 

Cook {kicking). Get out, you shrimp ! 

George {Jumps attd catches at his after anatomy. Then 
in a falsetto scream). Don't say that. I can't stand it. 

Cook. What's the matter? A burglar walked right into 
the dining-room to-day, and tried to steal that cream pitcher. 
Is it any wonder I'm excited about it ? {Fearsomely.) He 
was a big, tall man, with long, yellow teeth, and a beard, 
and his hands were like claws. He looked like an escaped 
convict. Did you see anything of him as he was leaving ? 
It was just before you came. 

George. Yes, I saw him. He had horns and a tail, 
didn't he? 

Cook {seriously). I didn't see them ; but I guess he 
did. (George backs into clothes-line with trousers on it.) 
Look out for those trousers. 

George {he looks at them vengefully a moment, and then 
asks). Are they Father's? 

Cook. Yes. 

George (^i- he hears this, he makes a spring at them and 
lets them have a strong kick in the seat). That pays you 
back, you coward ! 

Cook. What are you trying to do? 

George. I'll show him. {Indicatitig refrigerator i) 
Open it up. I want a look. 

Cook. What do you want in there? 

George. I want to move the ice. I think I put it on a 
huckleberry. 

Cook {advancing threateningly ivith mop). Get away 
from there. 

George. Now, Penelope, don't be cross. I'm only 
going to look. 

Cook {with an angry shake of her head). Oh, no; 
you're not. 

George {as a repritnand). You're annoying me. {Hi 



12 THE ICEMAN 

contemplates refrigerator in a businesslike manner.^ Don't 
get overheated. {Lifts lid again.) 

Cook (makes vicious pass at him with mop which he 
cleverly dodges). No, you don't. 

George {backs away and calls). Help ! Help ! The 
dog is loose ! {Then pacificatingly .) Be quiet, Queenie, 
or you'll bend your bangs. There, keep that pose. {In 
explanation.^ I just love to look at an angry woman. 

Cook {raising mop for another blow). Get out of here ! 

George {walks up to her on tiptoe^ and shaking his 
finger under her nose, says). Don't you dare frown at me, 
or I'll cry. 

Cook (^goes for him). Get out. I think you're after 
that cream pitcher. 

George (raising his hands and falling to his knees, 
says piteously). Oh, kind sir. 'Tis me child. Me only 
child in yon burning mansion. {Indicating refrigerator .) 
Won't you bring her forth in safety ? 

Cook {kicking at him). Get out, you shrimp ! 

George {jumps up a^id grabs washboard which he 
holds behind him as a protector. Then screams). Don't 
say that to me. I can't stand it. 

Cook {pursuing). Get out of this yard. 

George {he crouches^ holds ice-tongs in front of his face, 
and working them like jaws, he growls). Brrr 1 Brrr ! 
I'm a lion. Brrr ! If you come one step closer I'll chew 
thee into a lionized potato. {Drops tongs, and falling to 
his knees, holds washboard in front of him, and hiding be- 
hind it, says :) Hit me where you will, but don't kick me. 

Cook {swinging mop). Get out 1 

(^She chases him madly around the stage.) 

George {nimble in spite of rubber boots, and pointing). 
Look out behind you, Buttercup. Look out ! 

{During the instant her back is turned, he jumps into ash 
barrel, drops out of sight, and when she turns again she 
can't find him.) 

Cook. Hey, you. Where are you? {Frightened.) 
Where did that feller go ? (Looking around in amazement, 
she becomes more bewildered, and filially thoroughly scared, 
she runs off the stage calling :) Miss Lucile ! Miss Lucile ! 



THE ICEMAN I3 

George {bobbifig top of his head out of barrel, and in 
a still small whisper'). Ice! (Cook's shouts of ^^ Miss 
Lucile " are still to be heard and he calls after her .•) Say, 
tell Miss Lucile there's a nail in this barrel and it's full of 
ashes. i^His clothes have become covered with ashes. He 
looks around and his whole expression changes. Still stand- 
ing in the barrel, he begins .•) My ! What a busy day ! 
{Feeling hitnself tenderly.) Lucile told me she would wait 
to marry me even if it was twenty years, and when I came 
home I was going to surprise her with an engagement ring. 
But {his voice raises) she has married some one else. {Ex- 
citedly and with a screech.) I tell you I saw the wedding 
ring on her finger. False, fickle girl ! I'll never trust a 
woman again. I'm going down to the Panama Canal, and 
get killed with fever. That'll fix ^ler. {Musing.) I won- 
der who she married? Perhaps she married the iceman. 
That's me. Perhaps she married me. {Ruefully.) Oh, 
it was terrible ! I wrote and told them I'd be home to-day, 
and just for a joke, just a little fun, you know, I thought 
I'd disguise myself with a beard and give them a surprise. 
I'm president of the college dramatic society, and I guess I 
can act if anybody can. When I got in the dining-room — 
{shakes his head) then {with a despairing gasp) I saw — I 
saw — there upon her finger a wedding ring. I was so 
startled I dropped the engagement ring, and it fell into the 
cream pitcher. I tried to fish it out, and then the trouble 
started. I gave the iceman two dollars to let me take his 
clothes, and now {shaking his fist at the house) I don't 
want anything more to do with that family; they're too 
rough. Lucile scorned me and {with a little jump) Father 
kicked me. I hope he hurt his foot. So there. I'm never 
going to speak to any of them again. All I want is my 
ring. I had to save up for three months to buy that ring, 
and {half sob bi Tig) it cost me sixty-five dollars. It's in that 
refrigerator. {Getting out of barrel, and approaching re- 
frigerator.) I saw the cream pitcher when I looked in. 
{Lifting lid of refrigerator, he reaches down and feels 
among contents, raising his head to make each declaration.) 
That's lard. Isn't it slippery ? Those are peaches. That 
might be clothes-pins, or maybe it's sausage. {Shrieks.) 
Ouch ! That was a porcupine, or a pincushion. {Reach- 
ing farther.) There, it bit me again. I'll get it into a 
corner and take it by the neck. {Gruntifig.) You can't 



14 THE ICEMAN 

get away from me. It's a rabbit. No. It's a flat-iron. 
And he stuck me again. Now I got you. {In great dis- 
gust he produces a pineapple. He drops it back, and again 
reaches down. From iiotv on his tones are muffled, while 
he puts his head farther aiid farther into refrigerator, as 
he obviously feels about for the cream pitcher,') What has 
become of that pitcher? There it is. No, that's a jelly 
roll. I smell fish. What's that? Let go my hand. It's 
that pineapple again. {All this time he has been crawling 
farther and farther into refrigerator.) That must be it. 
Where the deuce is it ? 

{At this he reaches too far and falls in out of sight, ac- 
companied by a tremendous crash of crockery.) 

{Enter Lucile. She wears white, is young and pretty, and 
looks her extreme innocence.) 

Lucile {looks around inquiringly for a mo?nent, and then 
although she does not see any one, says firmly but a little 
nervously). Get out of this yard ! 

{In the meantime, George, unknown to audience, g^ts out 
of refrigerator through a concealed door at the back and 
through a hole in the drop. He removes the rubber boots, 
puts them on foot forms covered with red socks, and 
then crawling back into refrigerator, sits doivn and 
holds the boots so they fust show over the top aiid look as 
though he was standing on his head. He waves them 
convulsively as though he were struggling to get out. His 
voice is heard through hole in bottom of refrigerator.) 

George. I don't think I care to look any more for that 
old pitcher. I think I shall get out. {He waves and kicks 
with the boots, and gives all the evidences of a fearful and 
ineffectual effort to escape.) Help ! 

Lucile. How familiar that sounds. {Seeiftg the waving 
boots and looking dubiously at them.) Are you the iceman ? 

George {the boots 7iod in the affirmative). Is that you, 
Cook ? 

Lucile {with a negative shake of her head but in a tone 
which he cannot be expected to hear). No, this is not the 
cook. This is Miss Lucile. Please come out. I wish to 
speak to you. 



THE ICEMAN I5 

George. Hello, Bridget. I've scrambled some eggs for 
you. I'm just dead stuck on this refrigerator. 

LueiLE. Please come out. I wish to speak to you. 

George. What's that ? Did you say pork and beans ? 

LuciLE. Please come out. {Angrily.) 

George. Speak louder. I can't hear you. Say, Cook, 
do something to get me out of here. Pve been upside down 
for twenty minutes. 

lu\5C\\JL (timidly and half to herself ). Why! Perhaps 
he can't get out. 

George. Hurry up ! You handsome gorilla ! Why 
don't you do something ? 

LuciLE. The poor man is caught. What shall I do ? 

{She looks wildly around for some means of assisting him.) 

George (with a roar). Take me out. 

LuciLE {from now on all her talk to hifn is shouted). 
I don't see how I can. 

George. Well, then, take out the pineapple. There 
ain't room for both of us in here. 

LuciLE. I can't. 

George. You red-nosed old mummy ! Do something. 
I'm getting cold. 

LuciLE {corning close to refrigerator). I should like to 
help you, sir. 

George. What did you say ? 

LuciLE. I should like to help you. 

George. If you're not going to let me out, Sibyl, you 
might at least pull the icicles out of my ears. 

LuciLE {wringing her hands in despair). What can 
I do? 

George. You bunghead ! Are you going to leave me 
in here all day ? 

LuciLE. What can I do ? 

George. Get hold of my legs and heave. 

LuciLE {looking nervously at the boots). I don't like to. 

George. Well, I don't like standing on my head in this 
butter crock. Hurry up ! I think I'm dying. 

LuciLE. He says he's dying. I must do something. 
(^Goes close to boots which continue to wave, so that she can^t 
catch them.) Please be still a moment. 

George. Hustle up, and when I get out I'll mop up the 
yard with you. 



l6 THE ICEMAN 

LuciLE {she gets hold of one boot and tugs at it with" 
out success). Oh, dear ! I'm not strong enough. 

George. Of course you are, you old hod-carrier. Put 
your mind on it. 

LuciLE (she tries again. In despair). I can't do it. 
I'll call Father. 

George {frantic wavings of boots, and shrieks). No. 
No! Don't. Don't! 

LuciLE {astonished). I won't, then. 

George. Say, out there. 

LuciLE. Well ? 

George. Isn't there a washboard on the steps ? 

LuciLE. Yes. 

George. Well, get it and pry me out. 

LuciLE {she takes up the washboard, and inserts the end 
of it between the refrigerator and his boots. She gives a 
strong pry). Oh ! 

George {with a roar). Stop it I You'll break my leg. 

LuciLE {she desists). I'm so sorry. 

George. Hello, McGinnis I 

LuciLE. Well ? 

George. I'm cold. Look here, Bedelia. Didn't I see 
a clothes-line out there? 

LuciLE {looking at it). Yes. 

George. Tie the end around my feet and heave me out. 

LuciLE {she does this, using the line as a block and tackle 
over hook. But she only succeeds in removing boots from 
the forms afid lifting them to the hook where they hang. 
She has her back to her work and thinks she is dragging 
him out). My ! What a small man to come out so easily. 
{She turns and contemplates the result with horror. The 
stocking feet are red.) Gracious ! What have I done? 

{She commences to run about the stage in excitement.) 

George {raging). What are you doing ; trying to hang 
me? Now my feet are getting cold. {Pause.) Well, why 
don't you do something ? 

LuciLE {dancing up and down). What can I do ? What 
can I do ? 

George. Is there a door in front ? 

LuciLE. Yes. 

George. Well, open it. Maybe that'll do some good. 

LuciLE {as she opens the door at fronts George rolls out 



THE ICEMAN IJ 

onto stage, dragging with him all the contents of refrigerator ^ 
except cream pitcher; a miscellaneous array of broken 
dishes, etc. The front door remains opefi, a?id the cream 
pitcher is plainly to be seen inside. George is in red stock- 
ings. He is very, very mad). Heavens I 

George {standing tip, blinking, and not seeitig her). 
You carrot-headed old pickle ! Did you think I could stay 
in there forever? {Seeing Lucile, he says aside, with a 
gasp :) Lucile ! {Jlis tone changes, and froi7i now on his 
talk is part in his owti voice, ajid part ifi iceman' s grow li?ig. 
He pulls his hat over his eyes, and is still unrecognizable. 
He roams dizzily around for a tnoment, blows on his hands 
to get them warm, and then simpers ;) Excuse me. I 
thought you were the green beetle. Aren't we having a 
chilly summer ? {She looks at him doubtfully while he re- 
moves the jnilk which he has accumulated, nervously rufis 
the carpet-sweeper over his trousers to brush them, and gen- 
erally tries to straighteft his disorderly apparel.) Very 
frosty, I assure you. 

{He gets down on all fours and puts his head down to the 
stage as though he were going to stand on his head.) 

Lucile. What's the matter ? 

George. I've been wrong side up so long that it's not 
natural for me to stand on my feet. 

Lucile. Are you an iceman? 

George. You bet I'm an ice — man. {Slapping himself 
for warmth, and then puttifig his hands ofi the various por- 
tions of his body.) I had no idea a refrigerator could hold 
so many different things. {Sniffing.) The cheese was the 
worst, though. 

Lucile. Who are you ? You remind me of some one I 
used to know, and I can't think who it is. 

George {striking a pose). I'm Chilblain Charley, and 
I'm full of quicksilver. 

Lucile {solicitously). Are you cold? 

George. Well {with a shudder, while his teeth chatter), 
I don't feel as though I were likely to burst into flame. 
{Feels of his nose.) My nose is loose. I tried to cut a 
slice of jelly roll with it. {He looks at boots, and motioning 
to clothes-line, says :) Work your aeroplane, and bring 
back my pumps. 

Lucile {she releases the clothes-line^ and the boots come 



l8 THE ICEMAN 

down to stage with one end of the line tied to them). 
There. 

George {as he puts them on). They fit a little often, 
don't they ? {He is sitting on stage.) 

LuciLE {very sternly). What were you doing in that re- 
frigerator ? 

George {he springs up in fright at her ^ forgets about the 
clothes-line tied to his boots ^ becomes all mixed up with the 
line and trousers ^ then trips and falls ^ upon which he fights 
and worries the trousers around the stage like a puppy). 
Take that, Father's trousers. 

LuciLE {watching and judging him crazy). What were 
you doing in that refrigerator? 

George {airily). Oh, I thought I was going to spoil, so 
I tried cold storage. {Feels of his mouth and brings tobasco 
sauce bottle from his pocket.) Have you got a fire extin- 
guisher handy ? I ate some of this to keep from freezing, 
and now my teeth are smoking. 

{He approaches refrigerator and looks in.) 

LuciLE. Did you drop anything? 

George. Yes. My temperature. 

LuciLE. You poor man. You must be very weak. 
Shall I get you something to warm you ? 

George {drily). Got a gas stove? {He looks at her 
with a mournful shake of his head.) False, traitorous girl ! 

LuciLE {incredulously). What ? 

George. Am I your husband ? 

LuciLE {in abject and patent surprise). What ! 

George {vehemently). Shame on you ! 

LuciLE. What for ? 

George {sternly). For wrecking a good man's heart. 

LuciLE {in explanation; tapping her forehead). His 
brain, I guess. 

George {shouting). Perhaps your brain would be numb 
too, if you had been standing on your head on a cake of ice 
for half an hour. {Approaching her and shaking his finger 
at her.) Oh, you bad, wicked woman ! I met him. I 
heard what he said. 

LuciLE. Met whom ? Heard what who said ? 

George. That grand, fine, handsome young man with 
the intelligent face that your father kicked {jump) out of 
the house. You — you — married woman — you. 



THE ICEMAN I9 

LuciLE {with decision). The cook said you were. 

George. Were what ? 

LuciLE {painfully'). Drunk and crazy, or crazy drunk, 
or crazy or drunk. I couldn't understand which. 

George (melodraf?iatically). Young lady, be careful ! 
Even an iceman has feelings. 

LuciLE {stamps her foot and thefi says angrily). You 
mustn't tell such lies. 

George. Oh, dear ! 

( With a sad shake of his head he starts to climb back into 

refrigerator.) 

LuciLE. What are you doing now ? 

George. I'm going to put myself on ice again ; it's too 
warm for me out here. ( Whimpering.) If you could see 
my poor hungry wife and children 

LuciLE {relenting). The poor man ! Here, take these. 

{She picks up the provisions which rolled from the refrig- 
erator, and piles them into his arms.) 

George {peering at front door of refrigerator). The 
youngest child is just at the age when she likes cream. 

LuciLE. Perhaps there is some in the refrigerator. 

George. Perhaps. 

LuciLE. No, you spilled.it all. 

George {going close and looking in at lower door). The 
second youngest likes cream pitchers pretty well. 

LuciLE {she takes out the cream pitcher, extends it 
toward him and he snatches at it with avidity). Here, take 
this one. {Something in his haste frightefis her for she 
draws it back suddenly and says .•) No. I can't give you 
this ; it's solid silver. 

George {with a groan of disappointmerit). Oh, rats ! 

(He half starts to take it away from her, but she puts it 
back in refrigerator , closes the door and begins :) 

LuciLE. You bold, bad man. You would steal it, 
wouldn't you? Cook said you were not to be trusted. 
Get out of this yard or I shall immediately report you to 
your company. 

George {hoarsely). He said his name was George. 

LuciLE {forgetting everything, runniftg to him, and 



20 THE iCEMAN 

shaking him so that all the provisions fall out of his arms'). 
What ! Who said that ? 

George. The man I met coming out of here. {As she 
still holds him from sheer surprise, he jerks angrily away, 
saying :) Let me alone ! 

LuciLE. It couldn't be George. It was an old man 
with a beard. 

George (approachifig her on tiptoe, and 171 a fearful 
ivhisper). The beard was false. He learned it at college ! 

LuciLE {excitedly and taki?ig George by the arm'). 
What did he say ? 

George {motioning her away). Get away from me. 
He said he had been insulted and kicked. (^Jumps and 
looks behind him.) And he never wanted to see any of you 
again. So he was going to commit suicide 

LuciLE. Horrors ! 

George {waxing a^tgry). Yes, and he went clear to the 
top of an awful high building, and he walked right to the 
edge of the roof, and he looked over, and 

( Working his arms furiously as though he were about to 

Jump.) 

LuciLE {horror-stricken). Yes ! 

George. But just as he was going to jump, his foot 
slipped and he — came down in the elevator. 

Ia^cilk {in great relief ). Oh! {Meditatively.) Could 
it — could it have been — George ? 

George. Of course it was. {Intensely.) He was dis- 
guised. He was going to give you a surprise, and {tvhttn- 
pering) he saw something which broke his heart. 

LuciLE. Poor George {Softly.) Where is he 

now? 

George. He has gone to Panama. 

LuciLE {with a start). Panama ! 

George {glibly). Yes. I saw him get on the train. 
He's gone there to dig a canal or something. {Digging at 
the stage with the mop.) And he's going to catch fever 
and die. {He extends his hand, shakes an imaginary handy 
and says :) Hello, Fever ! 

{Then he puts o?i a doleful expression and looks around for 
a convenie?it death-bed.) 



THE ICEMAN 21 

LuciLE {^ jumping forivard). Goodness, don't ! It's 
too terrible. 

George (with an accusing shake of his Jinger). Now 
see what you've done. 

LuciLE. Poor George. What did he say ? 

George. Like this, (^Marching up and down the stage 
and with fierce vehefnence.) False, wretched, lying, cheat- 
ing, disloyal girl ! My heart is broken ! All my life is 
wrecked. There is nothing left to live for. (^To Lucile.) 
Now aren't you sorry? {^Kicking pineapple toward her.) 
Ssss — sick her, Piney ! 

Lucile {in despair). What have I done? (^Weeping 
afid approaching him.) What have I done? 

George {backing away). Keep away from me. {She 
drops her handkerchief, and stands with her hands over her 
face. He mi?ices around her, plainly averse to touching 
the handkerchief y and finally picking it up with the carpet- 
sweeper , he extends it to her at arm' s lefigth.) Here's 
your handkerchief. 

Lucile {fiot noticing. Boohooi?ig). When Father turned 
him out, I heard him say: "You know not whom you 
kick." (George jumps and looks behind him.) That 
sounds like George. {IVith conviction.) 

George. Of course it was George. But he didn't stay 
on that train that was going to Panama. 

Lucile {brightenifig). No ! 

George. No, he got off, and he says to me : *' What 
would you do if the only girl you ever cared for married 
some one else? " {Shouting.) I says to him : ** Catch the 
false wife and make her confess." {^Approaching Lucile 
and taking her by the wrist.) '• Make her show you her 
husband, and then kill him." {This ^' kiir* i?i a screech.) 
*' I'll do it," says he. ( Watches her narrowly during these 
disclosures to see what effect they will have on her, but she 
does not under sta7id.) How would you prefer to have him 
die? 

Lucile {still iveeping). And George always called me 
honey. 

George {caustically). Then why didn't you stick ? 

(He holds the skillet under her head for her to weep in.) 
Lucile. Father was too hasty. 



22 THE ICEMAN 

George. Hasty ! He ought to be arrested for exceed- 
ing the speed limit. (^Jump.) 

LuciLE. Do you know where George is now ? 

George. You bet I do. 

LuciLE. You are very kind, sir, and you seem to have 
taken a great interest in me. Will you do something for 
me ? 

George {looking around apprehensively^. To meet your 
father ? 

LuciLE. I beg your pardon. 

George. I said glad to favor. 

LuciLE. Will you take a message to George? 

George (^gruffly). Yes, and I'll bring the answer, and 
all I will ask in return is a certain cream pitcher in that re- 
frigerator. 

LuciLE. You shall have it. Tell George that Father's 
heart is broken 

George. Are you sure it's his heart? 

LuciLE. Yes, of course. Why? 

George. I thought perhaps it was his foot. 

LuciLE. Oh, no. And tell George to come back and I 
will explain everything. Ask him if he won't forgive us. 

George {shaking his head emphatically). No, he won't. 

LuciLE. Won't what? 

George. Forgive you. 

LuciLE. How do you know ? 

George {pulling off his hat and speaking in his natural 
tone). I'm George. 

LuciLE (rushing to him). Oh, George ! 

George {backing away and shouting wrathfully). Keep 
away from me. {Then dolefully.) Doesn't your husband 

object to your wearing that pin {Pointing.) That 

fraternity pin. {Whimpering.) That I gave you. 

LuciLE. My husband ? 

George. Certainly, your husband. 

LuciLE. But George, dear, I have no husband. 

George. You have so. {Pointing accusingly.) Haven't 
you got on a wedding ring ? 

LuciLE. That isn't a wedding ring. That's the ring of 
our girls' club. 

George. Then why is it of plain gold and on your wed- 
ding ring finger? 

LuciLE {beginning to cry). That's one of the club 



THE ICEMAN 23 

secrets. If you don't like it, I'll throw the horrid thing 
away. (^She takes it off and drops it.') 

George {picks up ring and looks it carefully over). 
What does this inside mean? {Spelling slowly.) S-t-u-n-g? 

LuciLE. That's another one of the club secrets. 

George {looks at her doubtfully ^ shakes his head, and 
then brightening, asks). Say, Lucile. Aren't you really 
married ? 

Lucile. Of course not. 

George. That being the case, I shall continue a cere- 
mony which your father recently interrupted. 

{He goes to refrigerator, opens lower part, produces cream 
pitcher, and from it takes engagetnent ring, which he car- 
ries to Lucile, and removing his hat, he takes her left 
hand, and places ring upon it,) 

Lucile {lookittg at new ring). Oh, George ! 

George {they fall into each other's arms). Oh, Lucile ! 

Cook {she enters at this point through kitchen door and 
stands on porch. Catching sight of George atid Lucile 
embracing, she is paralyzed zvith fear for a moment, and 
then screams). Master ! The burglar's choking Miss Lucile 
again ! 

{There is an unintelligible roar from ifi the house, and then 
enter Father with his rolling-pin, through kitchen 
door.) 

Father. Where ? Where ? 

Cook. There. Look at him; he's killing her. She 
can't speak. 

(Lucile is looking at George with an adoring gaze, and 
they are too engrossed in each other to realize they are 
being watched.) 

Father. Capture him. Cook. 

{They tiptoe stealthily up behind the pair of lovers, and 
Cook puts her arms around George's waist, while 
Father brandishes the rolliiig-pin over his head.) 

George. I surrender. 

Lucile. Father ! 

Father. It's all right, Lucile. We'll save you. Hang 



24 THE ICEMAN 

on to him, Cook. {To George.) Move one step, sir, and 
I will strike you down. 

George. Glad to oblige you, General Cornwallis, but 
please don't kick me, for I'm very sensitive. 

LuciLE. Father ! 

Father. Take your hands off that girl ! 

(Georg : releases Lucile from his einbracty but she keeps 
her arms around his neck. Cook moves her hands to get 
a better grip.^ 

George. Ouch ! She's tickling me ! 

Lucile. Father, can't you see who it is? 

Father {peers into George's face). Certainly, I can. 
It's the burglar. 

Lucile. No, it's not. It's George. 

Father {looks again). Well, bless my soul! {All his 
animosity disappears ^ and he slaps his knee.) A thousand 
pardons, George. Let him go. Cook. (Cook does so, and 
Father asks rapidly .•) Why ? When ? What ? 

Lucile {archly). And Father, we're engaged. 

Father. God bless you, my children ! {He looks at 
George with a bewildered air, and wants to know testily .•) 
But George, my boy, what on earth are you doing in 
those clothes ? 

George {he looks from them to the club ring, which he 
still holds, and then, imitating Lucile, he says). Oh ! 
That's another of the secrets of our girls' club ! 



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